By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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