Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
