i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
