so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
