this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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