what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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