I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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