I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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