If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
