I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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