The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
