Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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