Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
