I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
