After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
