I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
