Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just pee around me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
