genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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