So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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