Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
