Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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