When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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