Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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