I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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