She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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