speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
