saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My feet surprised me
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