the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
