I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
