sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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