I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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