My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
