Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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