did you get engaged???
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
