If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
