Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
