Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
