i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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