My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
