A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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