the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
