he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
