rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
