I'm going to jail i love you
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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