I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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