I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
