Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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