You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
