get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
