dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
