I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i now understand why vodka
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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