I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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