Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
