When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize