I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
